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But after Shawn's comment that day, I started wondering about all the godly men who may have other spiritual gifts—just not the ones traditionally considered "male" spiritual gifts. For example, what about men who have the gift of mercy or hospitality or service or encouragement, and who are full of the fruits of the Spirit?

Do we devalue them simply because they're not at the helm or out in front but rather operating alongside their partner? Is initiating devotional activities within a relationship really what it means to lead? I wonder whether part of the disappointment and tension among Christian women stems from the fact that they have teaching or pastoral gifts, while their boyfriends or husbands possess other gifts wrongly considered "feminine.

What if her partner models a life characterized by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control? Is this not the Jesus life? Is such a man being derelict in his spiritual duties to wife and family? I've heard plenty of stories about men who dutifully initiate family devotions—men who appear to be spiritual leaders if initiation in these contexts counts as leadership —but lack the fruits of the Spirit.

I've heard their wives and children use words and phrases like "hypocrite" and "he has anger issues" to describe them. I also know plenty of men who patiently lay down their lives for their families and friends and sometimes even their enemies—even if they don't initiate family devotions.

These men are concretely others-referenced—men who, based on the testimony of their wives, far surpass them when it comes to patience, kindness, and selflessness etc. These men embody love. A spiritual leader is someone who is full of the Holy Spirit—someone who evidences the fruits of the Spirit in increasing measure.

Some women prefer that their partners initiate prayer and Bible study. Of course, they're free to have such preferences, and even to believe that such initiation is a "male" spiritual gift. But we, as the larger Christian community, should find ways to recognize the men who don't initiate devotional activities and yet model Christlike leadership because they display the fruits of the Spirit.

And likewise, we need to consider whether men who display the more visible pastoral and teaching gifts are truly leading in Christlike ways. Further, those of us who are married ought to examine what litmus tests we are using when deciding whether or not our husbands are leading.

If we give thanks for and honor the gifts and fruits of the Spirit we observe in our husbands, we just might see they are more like Jesus than we imagined. This article was originally published as part of Her. Already a subscriber?

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For more information, see our Privacy Policy. Reminder: You are currently impersonating. Church Ordering. The essence of a true soul mate relationship is that of deep spiritual connection and a shared commitment to God. Relationship experts Ben Young and Samuel Adams, authors of The Ten Commandments of Dating and The One, give user-friendly tips for nurturing your personal walk with God and enhancing your spiritual connection as a couple.

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