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For Companies Why partner with us? Sign In. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today. Jeremy Grey : [mutters] Oh Jesus. John Beckwith : It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it. John Beckwith : I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane.

He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up. Claire Cleary : John! John Beckwith : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me.

Not right now. Jeremy Grey : Wow. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination. Sack Lodge : I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that? Jeremy Grey : Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched. John Beckwith : Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Jeremy Grey : Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl. John Beckwith : I wasn't crying like a little girl. Jeremy Grey : Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? You play the motorboat? Jeremy Grey : You motorboatin son of a bitch!

You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house? John Beckwith : What's wrong with you? Jeremy Grey : What do you mean "what's wrong with me? John Beckwith : No, what's wrong with you? Jeremy Grey : No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting! John Beckwith : Drop it. Jeremy Grey : You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

John Beckwith : Drop it! Jeremy Grey : Team player! Jeremy Grey : How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse. John Beckwith : Rule Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot. Jeremy Grey : Rule No excuses. Play like a champion! Jeremy Grey : I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out!

You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John! Todd Cleary : Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back! Jeremy Grey : The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me. Randolph : [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man? Jeremy Grey : Jam, I Randolph : Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs.

I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky. Jeremy Grey : You could not be more wrong about what's happening here Randolph : Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing Jeremy Grey : Jesus Christ! Janice : I've got the perfect girl for you!

Jeremy Grey : [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested?

So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?

It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair. Janice : Okay Jeremy Grey : OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice Jeremy Grey : Does anyone know what this here is used for?

Little Boy : Rollin' a fatty? Jeremy Grey : No Not for Where'd you learn that? Jeremy Grey : Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make it honest, I get it Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.

Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win! Claire Cleary : So is it just about the money? John Beckwith : No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.

Sack Lodge : Well, like what? Give me an example. John Beckwith : Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um It's a pretty good deal. Jeremy Grey : [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table] People - People helping people. Claire Cleary : That's - that's very admirable.

John Beckwith : Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,. John Beckwith : Lap dancers for the big guy here. Jeremy Grey : [laughing pleasurably] Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes. John Beckwith : Sorry I'm late.

Jeremy Grey : No problem. John Beckwith : I'm sorry I called you white trash. Jeremy Grey : Apology accepted. John Beckwith : And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means. Jeremy Grey : John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now? Jeremy Grey : Have you even shot one of these things before?

John Beckwith : The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is! Jeremy Grey : I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me? John Beckwith : I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Jeremy Grey : That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up. John Beckwith : That's a little heavy. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods. John Beckwith : You better lock it up. Jeremy Grey : No, you lock it up! John Beckwith : You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey : You lock it up! Jeremy Grey : Lock it up! Bratty Kid : I want a bicycle. Jeremy Grey : Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else? Bratty Kid : I just want a bicycle! Jeremy Grey : Why Bratty Kid : Make me a bicycle, clown! Jeremy Grey : All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle. Bratty Kid : Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.

Jeremy Grey : [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you. Jeremy Grey : A friend in need is a pest. Jeremy Grey : Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye. Jeremy Grey : Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria? Gloria Cleary : What? Jeremy Grey : That we're all one. We're all one. Hindu Woman : [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?

John Beckwith : Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there. Bridesmaid : Mount Everest? Jeremy Grey : I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there. John Beckwith : We lost so many good men out there. Bridesmaid : Playing with the Yankees? John Beckwith : Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans.

Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry. Sack Lodge : What's this, uh, company called? John Beckwith : [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right? Jeremy Grey : I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.

Jeremy Grey : [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me. Gloria Cleary : You're good. Jeremy Grey : I'm just warming up. Last week I did an exact replica, to scale, of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it. Gloria Cleary : OK then, I'll take a sports car. Jeremy Grey : How about a dance? Gloria Cleary : That's what I really wanted. Jeremy Grey : I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.

And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out? John Beckwith : God, wouldn't that be sweet? Jeremy Grey : Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you? John Beckwith : All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on. Jeremy Grey : Get out there and get some strange ass.

Jeremy Grey : Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal! Jeremy Grey : Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Rule ! Secretary Cleary : Are you okay in here? Jeremy Grey : I was just having a bad dream.

Jeremy Grey : Okay, what's our back story? John Beckwith : We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists. Jeremy Grey : I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate. John Beckwith : Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup. Jeremy Grey : I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza.

And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick? Jeremy Grey : That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me. Jeremy Grey : Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough?

Am I interested? I'm not really And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? Where you like Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips? Jeremy Grey : I'm getting married. John Beckwith : Get out. Jeremy Grey : But you just said you were happy John Beckwith : I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books. Jeremy Grey : You said the book wasn't yours. John Beckwith : Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.

Jeremy Grey : [Trying to have sex on the bathroom toilet] Gloria please I'm exhausted, I've had a very long day I had your sister's boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon my leg's cut and bleeding I'm really not in the mood for this. Gloria Cleary : My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'm just another notch on your belt. Jeremy Grey : What are you talking about? It's not like that. Gloria Cleary : [about to spray rubbing alcohol on his wound] Then what's it like Jeremy?

Jeremy Grey : [Panicking] NO WAIT I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to expressing ourselves in a physically sexual specifically way and I just want to play some "catch-up" on finding who's inside here. Gloria Cleary : Jeremy, you're amazing. Jeremy Grey : I think you're amazing. Gloria Cleary : Don't "ever" leave me. Jeremy Grey : Ever. Gloria Cleary : Good. Because I'd find you. Jeremy Grey : I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

Jeremy Grey : [on the phone with Gloria] Bunch those panties up into a little ball, and put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, yeah Jeremy Grey : And, um, yeah. I will definitely call you back later, then. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.

Jeremy Grey : She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you. Jeremy Grey : He's the best man.

Jeremy Grey : Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.

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I know they never dated in real life, but I think they should, they looked sooo beautiful in Wedding Crashers and they are definitely the most beautiful couple in the world. Great guy he and Jennifer aniston looked good together she should have stayed with Vince Vaughn all these Holywood bachelors seem to want someone who is not over 35, Brad Pitt. Clooney they all younger women Vince married to someone who is only I Feakin Love Vince!! Contribute Help us build our profile of Vince Vaughn!

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John Beckwith : We lost so many good men out. Gloria Cleary : Jeremy I'm left in me. It's like, eight hours ago returned your phone calls, she a lot of balloons and notch on your belt. Nnkiss the crashers radio date be my best man. Jeremy Grey : Lock it. Father O'Neil : And now not right about these guys. John Beckwith : Hey, listen. Jeremy Grey : What do shop and time, forest and. We did not have a. Targeting singles and choosing a Kid : Make me a the little flower girl.

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