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How do you feel? Annoyed likely. Maybe a tad disrespected. Now, imagine someone you are extremely attracted to no-shows for a date. Like you just got used and led on and shat on. Maybe you freak out and call them and leave angry voicemails. Maybe you continue to call them weeks or months later, getting blown off over and over again, feeling worse and worse each time. Or maybe you just get depressed and mope about it on Facebook or some dating forum.

Every irrational fear, emotional outburst or insecurity you have in your dating life is an imprint on your emotional map from your relationships growing up. All of these issues have deep-seated roots in your unconscious, your unfulfilled emotional needs and traumas. A common way we bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by disassociating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we shut off our need for intimacy and connection, then our sexual actions no longer rub up against our emotional maps and we can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety we once felt while still reaping the superficial benefits.

It takes time and practice, but once disassociated from our emotions, we can enjoy the sex and validation of dating without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics. Generally, the more resentment one is harboring, the more one objectifies others. People who had turbulent relationships with their parents, or were abandoned in a previous relationship, or tormented and teased when growing up — these people will likely find it much easier and more enticing to objectify and measure their sex lives than to confront their demons and overcome their emotional scars with the people they become involved with.

Most of us have, at one point or another, disassociated our emotions and objectified someone or entire groups of people for whatever reasons. Disassociating from your emotional needs is the easy way out. It requires only external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears. Studies indicate that fears, anxieties, traumas, etc.

The way to change is not by removing these feelings or anxieties altogether, but rather consciously replacing them with higher order behaviors and feelings. This can only be accomplished through taking action. There is no other way. Trying to do so is like trying to learn how to shoot free throws left-handed without ever actually touching a basketball.

For instance, if you get nervous in social situations and have a hard time meeting new people, take baby steps to start engaging in more social interactions. Practice saying hello to a few strangers until it becomes comfortable. Then maybe ask some random people how their day is going after you say hello.

Then try to start some conversations with people throughout your day — at the gym, at the park, at work, or wherever. Then, challenge yourself to do these same things with people you find attractive. The key is to do it incrementally. Setting the stakes too high, too early will just reinforce your anxiety when you fail to meet your lofty expectations.

Again, baby steps. I have entire online courses that deal with meeting and connecting with new people. You must overlay old emotional habits of fear and anxiety with healthier ones like excitement and assertiveness. Mentally train yourself so that any time you feel anxiety, you force yourself to do it anyway. Not only do I openly share this with women I get involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these traits.

Ultimately, your emotional needs will only be fully met in a loving and conscious relationship with someone who you can trust and work together with — and not just your emotional issues, but hers as well. We unconsciously seek out romantic partners in order to fulfill our unfulfilled childhood needs, and to do so cannot be completely done alone.

This is the reason that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful for creating high-quality interactions — the practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will naturally screen for those who best suit you and connect with you.

This kind of authenticity changes the whole dynamic of dating. Instead of chasing and pursuing or wishing and hoping, you focus on consistently improving yourself and presenting that self to the beautiful strangers of the world. The right ones will pay attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, this enhanced level of intimacy and mutual vulnerability will help heal your emotional wounds, help you become more confident and secure in your relationships and ultimately, overcome much of the pain and stress of that accompanies sex and intimacy.

I invite you to take some time and think about what your emotional hang ups are in this area of your life, where they probably come from, and how you could overcome them in an open and honest way. As an example, I grew up in a broken family where all members isolated themselves and we seldom communicated our emotions. As a result, I became highly sensitive to confrontation and any negative emotions of others.

I became the consummate Nice Guy and for years struggled to assert myself in my relationships and around women. In fact, I objectified my sex life quite a bit and adopted some narcissistic behaviors in order to push me through some of these insecurities. I slowly eroded that fear by opening myself up to intimate opportunities little by little over a long period of time. I was incapable of becoming intimate with a woman unless I had an escape route i.

This is my emotional map — at least part of it. These are the realities that I express openly and seek out the proper women who can handle them. Relationships can be complicated and difficult. But few people know that there are some pretty clear signals to know if a relationship is going to work or not. Put your email in the form to receive my page ebook on healthy relationships. You can opt out at any time. You know what I say to my ladies who are in complicated relationships?

The most successful relationships are successful because both people are in their truth. Christal is the Founder of The Ladies Coach. Very true! Thanks for sharing. I have been engaged for 18 yrs and I know we both love eachother so much, but we both know that we are in the worse complicated relationship and I am actually looking for my way out. Reading your advise make me aware good point.

I believe if there is a strong enough foundation in a relationship, anything can be fixable! Thank you for watching! Hi Christal, I m in love with a guy who is in some complicated relationship.. I m feeling so bad. What should I do.. Thanks in advance. Thank you for watching Ash, my suggestion would be to separate yourself from his relationship.

His relationship is HIS relationship. Unforutunately there is nothing you can do unless you are both together. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

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