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I want to highlight that I really have empathy for those who are just beginning their journey. It takes a serious time investment to improve your dating skills with women. Keep in mind that it often took the men you date today several years and relationships to become the attractive person they are today. If it helps to hear, I will gladly share my first experience. I remember my first date with a woman. When I saw her, she was this petite blonde girl, even smaller than me. I found it so strange to feel bigger when holding hands.
It felt unfamiliar and thus confusing. Was this romance or just friendship? I was lucky that she was quite forward which sometimes made me even more insecure. Despite it all, I kept on making sure we see each other and she turned out to be my girlfriend for over a year. From my conversations with bisexual women I know they are looking for both emotional and sexual connection to other women.
My advice here is, feel the fear and do it anyway. If you encounter a woman who is looking to date women say online and she replies to your messages or has even messaged you first, then she is interested! I know this seems hard to accept. In most cases she is not initiating conversation, barely complimenting you, and might be hesitant to meet up. Just for reference, this is how most straight men feel when online dating, so expect to encounter the same.
Tinder online experiments and academic studies show that similarly attractive men compared to women get far fewer messages and matches. So in order for them to find someone they HAVE to message first. Additionally, those who message or approach you first , often think you are more attractive than themselves. As such it also makes strategic sense to move first. Understandably, we learn to be very careful in showing our interest.
Often a smile towards a man is more than enough to get his attention. So a bisexual woman will display a higher degree of coyness than you are used to from men. She will look to select among her suitors, so you have to stand out at minimum by making clear you exist and are interested. Above all else, show persistence!
So my advice here: Keep going! Message first, initiate first, suggest things to do first. As bisexual women, we are often grouped together with either straight or gay people. This frequently occurs in media representation as well. Daenerys Targaryen from Game of Thrones who in the books has sexual relations with both men and women is portrayed as exclusively straight in the TV production. We are often not accepted among lesbians. They can be afraid of dating us and many simply refuse to.
In part this is understandable, given that many bi women are fearful and uncertain about their desires. On the other hand, we are also not understood by heterosexuals. As a result, some of us feel the need to hide and suppress our desires which makes us a contributor to the erasure of our own identities. Failed relationships and loss of attraction to a man is not seen as questioning our very attraction to men entirely. With women the stakes are very high, as each and every woman we meet seemingly has the power to define whether we are truly bi or not.
These worries can place heavy weights on our feelings of romance and attraction, often stifling them as soon as they arise. However, research shows that bisexual women remain bisexual throughout their lives. Knowing this might give you confidence in your sexuality. So my advice here is to go out and date a woman. Discovering your taste in dating is a journey. And your bisexual journey will also be about discovering what kinds of women you find attractive. Making someone laugh is very important!
So if you are a bi woman making her laugh is key. I think this is because we believe that being silly and outspoken is too embarrassing. We will stand miles away from anything that might detract from our physical beauty. We rather laugh at jokes and only make sarcastic comments in our heads. The gender expectation is that men have to be funny and women need to laugh at good jokes.
Being entertaining, of course, is more than just cracking jokes. It also means being a good conversationalist and telling compelling stories. Be it your creativity, humor, kindness, intellect, sexiness, or all of it combined. So if you find yourself on a date, and there is silence between the two of you, ask her something about her life. You can also use this space to validate shared values or interests by asking her opinion on topics you care about.
My advice here, feel free to voice your clever comebacks, share your thoughts and show your passions openly! Further, being entertaining company is a skill you can learn and the men that have wooed you on dates have for sure done a lot of work on themselves. They have probably spend countless hours talking to their mates, watching videos, listening to talks and reading books about what women find attractive.
I recommend speaking to men in your life about their dating experiences. In Western society we strongly believe that we are self-directed individuals. To each their own. Whatever floats your boat, live and let live. Be yourself. Find your own way. This is definitely incorrect, as social psychologists will gladly tell you.
Most likely, you know that introducing a woman to your friends and family will elicit curiosity and surprise. You might have to explain yourself and others might have the need to assure you that they, of course, love you regardless of your choices. The focus will be on getting to know him rather than dealing with shattered expectations.
For these reasons, many bisexuals only tentatively come out, they are comfortable going to pride, twittering on bi visibility day and may occasionally have casual sex with women. This leads to an unfortunate cycle in which bisexuality is something people never see, and thus are not open towards, which in turn compels bisexual individuals to minimize their same sex attractions.
Exposing others to bisexuality, by simply being openly bisexual, is exactly what will help in shifting romantic norms. My advice here is to notice yourself. Notice whether you put up boundaries between yourself and other women in a situation that would lead to greater intimacy.
Consider allowing yourself to truly experience feelings of romance. To be bisexual is to simply be attracted to both men and women. This narrative implies that bisexuality can be entirely epiphenomenal and not connected to our actions. I see merit in this view, as it can be important for young women to learn that their attractions are meaningful. I remember how important this was for me to hear, at a time when I felt uncertainty and doubt.
But as I grew in both my dating experience and confidence, this narrative was no longer helpful nor was it illuminating. There are situations where this view of bisexuality is limiting and harmful to genuine self-expression. At times I pointed out the limitations of this view and was frequently labelled as biphobic. They feel the need to blame society, be it lack of diversity, openness or media representation.
This is not entirely false of course, but I believe that if we want society to be really open to our bisexuality, we need to be comfortable and fearless with our sexual and romantic attractions first. You will make sense of the basics like you did with men and then you can live the rest of your life dating women to the extent that you want. Learn to listen to what you want; as women this will be very liberating.
Sana studied psychology and cognitive sciences at the University of Sussex and works in the field of UX design and product development. Her knowledge in psychology and user research manifests itself in all aspects of her life. She spends a lot of time analyzing relationships and human behavior, especially polyamorous love and bisexuality.
In addition, she has published blog articles for various online magazines, as well as start-up blogs in Berlin. Currently, she is founding her own start-up in the fintech sector, using her knowledge of human nature to help people make better financial decisions. She also models for independent fashion and lifestyle photographers in Berlin. Bisexuality and non-monogamy are strong correlated of s ociosexual orientation , which seems to be a general measure of the inclination to use sex as a tool for connection and exploration outside a long-term romantic relationship.
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