The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also the age when shidduchim start may vary by community.
In frum circles, especially among Hassidim , eighteen is the age when shidduchim start and shadchanim take notice. Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditional Judaism 's outlook on Tzniut , modest behaviour in relations between men and women,   and prevents promiscuity.
It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates. If the shidduch works out then the couple inform the shadchan of its success. In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on the Internet.
In Judaism there is a strong belief that this is done by providence [ disambiguation needed ] , in order to establish a family. However, there are some special cases: among some religious, even within the Jewish people or according to ties in larger religious groups, some of the religious authorities or their messengers have the task of organizing weddings and therefore reunions, the famous " arranged marriages "; although most Jews believe this can only be done by inspiration [ disambiguation needed ] and with the necessary knowledge of the spouses, well, these meetings still take place, sometimes fortunately, sometimes haphazardly.
Be that as it may, Jews are very careful and loyal in this regard, unfortunately they often avoid some Shidduchim. The Shidduch is a modality adopted since ancient times, it recalls the episode in the Pentateuch of the patriarch Abraham for his son Isaac : the Shidduch happens providentially, beyond some forced impertunence, thus creating a true Jewish family in the sacred bond of Kiddushin : the engagement.
It is a fact: he or those who set themselves the goal of forming a Shidduch should know in full confidence the Jewish woman and the Jew intended for this, therefore it would be assumed that they must be superior to them in knowledge and spiritual attitudes, which otherwise would seem only a hasty, relative and partial method; therefore the Jews trust more in divine providence for the matrimonial Yichud , beyond the ephemeral encounters often in vain.
The prospective partners either date each other or in stricter communities they go to a "bashow"  or sit in. A typical bashow scene is that the young man with his parents goes to see the young woman in her house or that of someone hosting ,   to see if the prospective couple are compatible. Both sets of parents talk to each other, and then when the setting is more relaxed, they go into another room, leaving the man and woman in the living room to speak among themselves.
Some use this opportunity to actually ask each other pertinent questions, while some just want to see if they like each other, relying more on the information they got from the shadchen or from other people. The number of bashow s prior to announcing an engagement varies, as some have many bashow s while others have as few as one, which is typical among the children of Hasidic Rebbes. It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.
In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their bashert , meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it is considered to have been Heavenly foreordained whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one's bashert by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.
A somewhat related word is zivug. The first recorded shidduch in the Torah was the match that Eliezer , the servant of the Jewish patriarch Abraham , made for his master's son Isaac Genesis Ch. Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe.
Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well, Rebekah appeared on the scene and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family and appealed to them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife.
Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her Rashi, commentary to Genesis However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac in Canaan , he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" i. This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage.
Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision - it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans compare with the match of Jacob and Leah. The Talmud Bavli Kiddushin 12a, first version states that academy head Abba Arikha would give corporal punishment to a man who would marry without shidduchin , that is,  without prearrangement by the couple.
The text gives three versions of his practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version,   while others rule according to the other two versions. In Kiddushin 41a states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate "love your neighbour as yourself". The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The medieval rabbi Nissim of Gerona commonly called Ran traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" cf.
Targum to the Book of Judges , and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to " settle down " into marriage. The word shadchan refers to people who carry out shidduchim as a profession within the religious Jewish community. One of the characters in the musical Fiddler on the Roof is a matchmaker named Yente.
Although Torah law allows for a bat-kohen to marry a challal , convert, or freed slave Hebrew eved meshukhrar , the Midrash and Talmud cite Johanan bar Nappaha 's view that a daughter of the kohen is best off marrying a kohen. Rabbi Yochanan maintains that in the event a bat-kohen marries a non-Kohen, undesired results for the groom are likely to surface, such as poverty or the demise of the groom.
An exception to this taboo is if the groom is a Talmid Chacham. Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations most notably Dor Yeshorim routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. Illustrations: Yosef Itzkowitz. Yosef Itzkowitz is an artist, author and poet.
His published work can be found on Amazon, under the name Yosef Paper. He is currently studying illustration at the School of Visual Arts in New York City and can be reached at yosefitzkowitz gmail. Molly is Ashkenazi; Joey is Sephardic. Three years ago, she was living in St. Louis and he was in Los Angeles. Though Molly and Joey are Orthodox and in their thirties, they had not even one mutual Facebook friend.
This despite the fact that Molly has 2, Facebook friends! In recent years, the Internet and smartphones have changed how people do virtually everything in recent years, from Torah learning to grocery shopping. Not surprisingly, technology has affected how people meet and date—and the frum world is not immune to this drastic shift. Love at First Swipe? JSwipe is one of several online platforms Orthodox Jewish singles use to meet.
The mobile app, created in , pushes one suggestion at a time to members—profiles are usually heavy on photos—and they can swipe right if they are interested, or left to pass. Even Abikzer admits her success with JSwipe may be somewhat of an anomaly.
Created in , it was one of the first dating sites for the Orthodox community. Members create a profile and browse others within selected criteria. They can decide who to contact, and if or when to take the conversation from online to an in-person date. Sarah is a nurse in her thirties who lives in a small Midwestern city.
Sarah appreciates the autonomy offered by JWed. A newcomer to the online Jewish dating scene is Forj, which uses artificial intelligence to recommend matches to its users. The app guides users through an extensive sign-up process, including a series of multiple-choice questions about themselves. Though artificial intelligence in shidduchim is new, society as a whole has gotten used to online dating.
In fact, in Psychology Today estimated that by , 70 percent of people will have met their significant other online. Opting for Tradition Of course, online dating has not penetrated the entire Orthodox world. Shaya Ostrov, a therapist based in Far Rockaway, New York, notes that in general, the Chareidi sectors prefer a more traditional approach to dating.
In her late thirties, she refuses to use online dating sites. Overall, though, he views using algorithm-based technology to find dates as positive. While twenty-nine-year-old Avi, who considers himself Modern Orthodox, has many reservations about online dating sites, he sees the potential in them. Bringing Dating To You Opportunities to meet people online can be particularly beneficial to singles faced with limited options.
For example, David is divorced and lives in an out-of-town community, sharing custody of his son. It is not an option for him to relocate to New York—widely recognized as the epicenter of frum dating—in the hope of meeting someone. Sarah has noticed that, in addition to the challenge of living in a city with few Orthodox singles, people stop thinking of suggestions once one reaches a certain age. Ahuva agrees. Sobolofsky notes that dating sites have actually been a major asset in organizing in-person events for singles, which adds an additional opportunity for people to meet and network.
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